Despite this damn depression, I`m still standing. Moreover, not even gabbing on the phone with my relatives for a while can soothe my pain. The decisions I made unwillingly in the past had far-reaching consequences. For starters, I wasn`t able to deal with simple tasks cause of one simple reason: I was not into what I was doing at the moment. Even though I didn't accepted doing those things under coercion, I still felt obliged. Who would have thought that being obedient would have fucked me up?. Many times, my kin`s unreasonable decisions came out of the blue. If I had been brave enough, I would have told them to fuck off and move out. Unfortunately in Peru, you can`t do that. It`s not common for teens to work as early as 16 years old. Besides, only a few of them manage to get part-time jobs later on.

Even if I turfed all the stuff that reminds me of my past, I still would have negative thoughts inside.

At times I feel like whacking myself in the head with the grip of a gun and end it all. My doubts about whether or not I can keep living with this crap are mounting up. The number of spats I`ve had with my folks outweighs the amount of  serious conversations we`ve had. On the plus side, the fact that I`ve always been overcome by curiosity has helped learn a lot. Nonetheless, it is all useless. Due to the fact that not a single chance to shine have I got. It may seem heresy that ¨the end justifies the means¨. However, to me it seems right at this point of my life. Anyhow, recently I saw a Tedtalk about a talented artist called Daniel Tammet, who suffers from synesthesia. This particular disease makes you sense things in a different way. For instance, Daniel experiences colors as sounds or shapes as tastes.  He relied on his courage to pull off great accomplishments. No tenet of Christianity would have allowed him to do it.